Airport / Airplane Etiquette, please!

I've been wanting to write this one for awhile. Obviously, when you fly nearly every week for business, you are confronted with all sorts of human behaviors that you wouldn't normally be confronted within a given week. Right now, for example, I am sitting right across from a very obnoxious, short-tempered man who has chosen the airport seating area as his venue for clearing the air with his colleagues about some criticism they had given him at a previous meeting. He has a mouth full of a Quiznos sandwich, heavy on the onions, and is spitting lettuce as he is demanding his colleagues tell him how he can improve on his behaviors. I want to tell him that he can start by not talking with his mouth full (for one). Choosing a proper venue (like a conference room for example) to have a feedback session with his colleagues would be a nice adjustment to his maladaptive behavior. Ahh, ok, I think the nice man sitting next to him has counseled him (ever so quitely) to discuss this later. Thank you, nice (quiet) man.

So, here's the thing. People with babies, elderly people with walkers and wheelchairs.... you are not the enemy. I have all the patience in the world for you. No one feels worse on the airplane than the poor lady who is holding the crying baby. Not much she can do, and EVERYONE hates her. I give her a pass, as long as she is humbly trying to console the baby and doing everything she can. The people I can't stand are the damn salesy/business guy types who think they are so damned important that they have to make multiple business calls, whilst walking through the airport, standing in line to get on the plane and right up until the plane leaves. Yeah... such and such deal is really going to go down while you are walking through the airport shouting to everyone in earshot about your stupid business. We don't care. We know you have a blackberry with email and text messaging. Use it! No one wants to hear your convo, buddy. My other favorite is the guy who drinks several cocktails and flirts with the woman sitting next to him the whole plane ride, constantly talking about how cool and fabuouls he is. And then as soon as the plane lands, he puts his wedding ring back on and calls his wife, saying "Sweetie, I missed you. Let me talk to Junior. Daddy misses you. Are you coming to pick me up? I'm here, you can come get me now". Jackass.

Oooooh.... and these are the people I REALLY hate. Line-cutters! There is an order to how the airport and the airplane work, people. It's called, whoever is ahead of you in line, stays ahead of you in line. It's that simple. Stay in your place in line. And be quiet. Please don't be making phone calls in my ear right behind me in line, while you are encroaching ever so closely into my space. Keep your distance. Once on the plane, there is also an order. When the plane lands, passengers should deplane according to their seat row, front to back. I HATE the people who try to bolt from row 30, and stand in the freakin' aisle next to my seat, and I haven't even had a chance to unbuckle my seatbelt yet. Back up, buddy! Wait your turn. The seat rows are numbered for your convenience. This is why I always try to sit at the front of the plane. So I can trip people who try to go out of turn. Ok, maybe I don't do that, but I want to. I was just in the security line and the lady behind me not only picked up her bins before I picked up mine (WTF?) but she also tried to go through the detector in front of me, when she was clearly in line AFTER me. And I'm efficient. I've got my shoes, jacket and belt off before I even hit the bins. Laptop is out, ready to go, and I'm free of all metals, liquids and firearms. I'm quick. So, wait your turn, lady!

Maybe this is why they have bars at airports. It's 11am and I could use a drink. ;)